THE PRICE TAGS IN LIFE

Some people demonstrate a refreshing naivette by wanting everything good all the way through life. Wouldn’t we all want that? In fact, the truth is, much in life is a tradeoff. Everything has a price to pay, even the so called “goodness”. I would like to improvise a popular saying this way:  “I am responsible for what I say and do but I am not responsible for how you understand or interpret it.” Therein lies the catch!  However “good” the intention is, we don’t really have a control over the mind of others.

Every day, we set our goals for the day and act accordingly. But, is it so simple? We have to make choices all the time. And making choices means letting something go in favor of retaining that which is more important. Often , it also means letting people go out of your life as a trade off for, maybe, less conflict and stress, more peace, duty towards someone in particular, a gradual neutralization of emotion , guarding oneself from hurt and maybe many other reasons.

I have realized that in some cases, we move away naturally and there doesn’t seem to be a price to pay. Yet, there may be a twinge of regret while thinking of the phase of happiness which is now past and that might leave a residue of emotion which needs to be cleared. Along with this, there also needs to be a deeper understanding that for all of us, it is the karmic balance sheet that is at work. When an event in our life comes, has its impact , it is up to us to either let it go as a lesson learnt, or hold on to it pouring wasted energy of negative emotions like anger, sadness, a feeling of being cheated and so on.

Similarly, relationships take their toll on us when attachment becomes an obsession. The imbalance created as a result spirals towards a depletion of energy and consequently, we pay a price by ending the relationship.

I see people paying a huge price in maintaining friendships. Individuals forming “close” groups also become “closed” groups. The individual preferences of each among the group have to be sacrificed to an extent as a price of conforming to the unwritten rules of that group, even if they are not palatable to one or more people in the group. I have seen friends changing color and dropping friends when they choose to associate with the rich and the famous in the hope that a little bit of the stardust will come their way, never mind if it is only “dust”. They prefer the leftover dust from a star than the light of a sincere and loyal friend who apparently is of no value but may actually be a shining star in the relationship.

So, these tags are directly connected with the aspirations of people, their brand of self esteem, their modes of behavior and their attitudes towards people, events and life in general. These considerations determine their preferences and actions. Thus, we see tradeoffs between success and loyalty, fair play and foul play, personal gains and justice for all, etc.

Many get stuck within their own reactions, retaliations, playing the blame game and being judgmental. Moving forward is for those who can, with a clear perception and intellect, make the choices for their own evolution and growth. There is always a voice within that tells us where we need to go. But we have to pass through the events brought on by old “karma” to be decidedly and inevitably experienced in the “now”. The ignorance of “karma” and the lack of understanding that we are paying a price for what we have done earlier is like wearing a crown of thorns at the time. If we perceive these events as adversities coming our way and react to them, this would only build up a new negative body of “karma”.

All this changes when a deeper understanding dawns. This is when we are actually able to “see” why things happen, what they are supposed to do for us and what must be our attitude when we are experiencing them. As soon as this understanding dawns, we also understand where our choices could have been better and how we can better our choices in future on the basis of the new awareness and insights we have acquired.

As long as we have a free will, our choices make the existence of price tags inevitable. Maturity lies in paying the price willingly and with an understanding that we are doing this in the interest of ourselves and all around us. It boils down to the fact that we must make enlightened choices to eliminate the “price tag” perception, because that is what price tags actually are – a perception.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

RESPECT AND EXPECTATIONS

This morning, I was listening to an interview with Shivani of the Brahmakumaris. I don’t know of any individual engaged in the search for truth who doesn’t listen to her interviews with rapt attention. She has the art of making life so simple just by her analysis of what people do what they do and how they should think.

The feeling of “respect” is directly proportionate to the expectations we have. We say we respect elders, our family members and also some friends. But, at every step, we ourselves show that in reality, we don’t.

The simple fact is that we are constantly judgmental. If, for example, someone comes late, we get angry because we expect them to be on time. That person may have had reasons to be late but our expectations were that they should be on time because that’s the way WE like things to happen, punctually. This actually means that our expectations are making us unstable and unhappy. It demonstrates that we are giving the late comer power over us by basing our mental and emotional health on their actions. It also means that we want to control the other person and even the environment and cannot accept that just as we want the freedom to be who we are, so, we have to extend the same respect to others.

Another example Shivani gave is of expecting a child to get a first grade. A parent says words of encouragement to the child by saying,”you can do it”. But to add the phrase” or else” will spark off pressure of expectations in the child. The message we send in this case is a conditional one, that we may lose respect for the child if it does not perform as per our expectations. We are trying to control the child and not letting the child be in charge of its own motivation and goals.

While listening to Shivani’s interview, I realized that I don’t know anyone who actually has a genuine respect for anyone. It has been an eye opener. The moment our well being and happiness begins to depend on our ability to control people and environment through expectations, we don’t even respect ourselves, let alone others.

The transformational word here is “ACCEPT” the way people are. Separate the individual from the act. We have the right to set our own parameters for living but, just as we would expect that we are accepted for who we are with all our traits and personality, we must also give the required respect to others to continue to be who they are. Otherwise, relationships will always be in conflict and could even find a closure. Forget others, our relationship with ourselves will be in conflict because our minds will always be in turmoil.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

SIMPLE LIVING AND HIGH THINKING

Being from the older generation, this saying was what we were brought up with. Today, the younger generation might scoff at such sentiments. I merely smile! I know that however much we “advance” materially, scientifically, mentally and socially, there will be little spiritual evolution if we don’t value or practice the ageless tenets of wisdom that have been handed down to us and which make India so special that the entire world looks up to it for spiritual learning.

Actually, spiritual learning is the inevitable side effect of simple living and high thinking. Some truths which many consider to be obsolete, are relevant in every day and age. But, often, they are misunderstood and often, personal material goals gain priority. The race for success obliterates the necessity for solid value systems. A system of compromises also has its own set of principles. For example, if we need to compromise the truth to save an innocent  life, it is permitted because saving this life is more important.

The fact is that it is not so simple to be simple. For example, can we say what we mean and mean what we say? Impossible! We prefer to project ourselves in a specially crafted image, maybe because we want to feel good wearing that image, or, maybe, we are aiming for some benefits and are trying to please those who will look at us favorably as we “seem” to be, in their eyes.

Our intrinsic simplicity is also taken away from us by the constant reactions by our ego to people and events which result in a huge amount of the ever piling excess baggage that we carry, often to our graves. Being simple would mean “letting go” and dropping all the ego related obstructions in our growth. But, we choose to carry for years some verbal war we may have had, some expectations gone wrong, some events that may have upset us and so on. If only we valued the present instead of holding on to the past! If only we realized that by bringing the past into the present regularly, the future will only have unwanted, repeated patterns of the past and each of us who cannot let go will be solely responsible for this.

If we are able to practice being simple, we will attract those people who value us for who we are. These are the genuine relationships which are transparent. But we are in a race for “contacts”. So, how can we be ourselves AND please everyone?

The philosophy of high thinking is one based on personal and social ethics. “Ethics” is a widely interpreted word today. In the more individualistic society, the definition of the word has changed. High thinking actually implies a clear and pure thought process which finally culminates in action for the larger good, which includes us as well. It implies that a “win- win “result must be arrived at by our actions in terms of something for everyone.

High thinking incorporates the value of love, tolerance, acceptance of everything as having the similar and the dissimilar qualities unified in Creation. It means a constant realization from within that this world is not our permanent home and that oneness and integration should be the motivation for existence while on this earth. As a consequence then, our merit would lie in the subjugation of our destructive ego and attempts to do everything that will harmonize our space and allow everything to co- exist peacefully.

Is simple living and high thinking simple? I can only answer for myself and leave your answers to you.

Surekha Kothari

http://www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

CONCRETIZATION OF MAN AGAINST NATURE

The primitive man used to live in jungles, surrounded by nature lived to fulfill the basic challenges of the acquisition of food, clothing and shelter. Today also, the modern man lives in jungles, except for the fact that these are concrete jungles, where breath is slightly choked and challenges ensconced in fear, stress, desperation and roller coaster rides to nowhere.

Those who have had an occasion to live amidst nature or continue to do so even now co exist joyfully as they are meant to do. Man has many lessons to learn from proximity to nature. On the other hand, those who have boxed themselves in the thick walls of expensive concrete may have boxed themselves enough within thick, impenetrable walls so that neither the experience of fresh breeze carrying the aroma of sweet smelling flowers nor the chirpy songs of the birds, not even the frolic of clouds in the sky can enter. To be away from nature is unnatural. It is true that staying away from nature hardens the human heart. Nature is the greatest leveler for the ego of the human being.

I am humbled by the trees! They stand unflinchingly tall in the scorching sun to allow men to rest under their shade. When they are laden with fruit, they bend over towards the earth as if bowing to it in gratitude. I learn to re invent myself each time I sit by a river. I watch it undulating, flowing steadily towards the ocean, its source. I see it weaving its way around boulders, finding new pathways, tireless, undeterred and determined.

I look at the vast expanse of the sky which integrates and shelters all Creation like a benevolent parent, loving and kind and I think to myself, “this is what we should learn from the sky: to integrate and accept one and all as different forms of the same Divine Energy.” As the seasons come and go, giving us warmth, rain, coolness and challenging our tolerance and adaptability, so too, life comes in similar phases, daring us to rise to every occasion and come through with flying colors.

Then, of course, there is the ocean. I cannot find a better example of the working of the human mind than the ocean. The restlessness of the conscious mind is so beautifully represented in the waves crashing against the shores and receding into the ocean as compared to the stillness of the depth of the ocean, as is the sub conscious mind which can be accessed only by diving through the surface layers of the waves. Therein, deep within the self, deep as the ocean, dwell peace and oneness.

So also, the mountains, the hills, the valleys, the grasslands and all other forms of Nature are teachers of the highest order of God, following the universal laws to perfection while, sadly, man disregards every spiritual law of co existence with Nature as he continues to live each day with a greater sense of self absorption and an unbecoming callousness .

If truth be told, every awakening dawn brings a new hope for the day as the sun shines its pure golden light upon the earth and each day, dusk merges into the darkness of the night, taking with it the day’s experiences and lessons, and, above all, a hope that tomorrow will be better than today has been in every way. Man, with all his intelligence, fails to recognize his troubles in life as being the result of a lack of this very awareness.

“Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts. There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature — the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.”
― Rachel Carson, Silent Spring

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

I AM OK, YOU ARE OK

This title of the famous book by Thomas A. Harris has always impressed me in the implications inherent in the title. It has a wealth of meaning. Really, if we can be “ok”, everything around us will be “ok”. I have noticed that whenever I am disturbed, I am restless and this restlessness communicates itself to those around me through my expressions, my altered behavior and the slipping mask I put on for the world. Since negativity attracts negativity, not only do I attract inquiring stares but also wariness and even a distancing from people. That, in turn, makes me more miserable. And so it goes on until I break the cycle with introspection and correction of my negative mindset and the reasons the mindset was formed. This requires a huge amount of digging of skeletons within and is not easy.

The “awareness” stage does dawn a shade more easily than the “acceptance” stage. I definitely may have a problem but am I willing to accept that I have one? After all, it is so much more comfortable to live in denial and pretend everything is normal. How, then, would it be possible to even look for a solution?

See how we become our own enemies? All our lives, we search for the wisdom that is in our backyard, as it were. We just don’t want to visit it because it is an effort to clean it up. Window dressing is much easier than cleaning up the mess behind the window, a detrimental attitude.

The crux of the problem lies in the externalization of the mind and its involvement in the daily actions and reactions which occupy much of the space in the mind and time during the day. So, if at all, we have a fixed time in minutes and occasionally, a few hours to perform rituals and even less to seek spiritual knowledge through reading, imbibing and practicing spiritual laws.

Is it necessary to be everywhere socially when your own house may be “on fire”, so to speak? Is it so important to be recognized and be in the Newspapers and on the Television Screen at the cost of the self being gradually demolished? Is endorsement from people more important than self endorsement? All these questions are vital to the happiness quotient which is sorely missing today in the rat race for more name, more fame and more money.

I say this with conviction that if the responsibility of the soul plan is taken on by each individual, it has the power to transform the individual and the surrounding environment. The one factor that needs to be maneuvered with wisdom and understanding is our ego, the root of all attachments , prejudices, wrong thinking patterns , colored behavior and all the outcomes thereof. Coupled with these is the ignorance of who we are and with what purpose we have come into this world.

Spiritual texts have averred that enlightenment is a constant removal of the many layers of ignorance that we live with. There is much unlearning, learning and re learning to be done. Above all the belief systems propagated by different religions, there is common fiber running through all Creation that connects or should connect all Creation. That common link is the Divine Energy which we must recognize and which should then be able to result in celebrating the unity in diversity. Just this thought that we are all connected should work as a good starting point for tolerance and wise action.

As I tell all my clients, if we can actually muster up our humility and introspective abilities, and hone our behavioral patterns based on the new learning, the change will be felt within and through the response of people around. But to become “gold”, one will have to go through the “fire” of life with increasing self knowledge and its implementation.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

THE LANGUAGE OF SILENCE

Whenever I visualize “silence”, I see a sage perched up on a high mountain, sitting in meditation. Just “to be” in deep silence, turning inwards and discovering the core within! But that is the ultimate. In worldly situations, silence has many meanings.

In a world as transient as ours, many of us have not understood the importance of silence. Silence is, often, the most potent language. It speaks volumes without saying anything. It is more profound than words and definitely more effective in many cases. It is a powerful tool for the self because it makes you conserve the energy to introspect. Meditative silence is nothing but being in touch with the self, emptying meaningless thoughts and filling ourselves with the silence and stillness of the Divine within us. This realization of who we are prevents us from hasty judgment and hence, hasty words and action. There are times when we tend to react impulsively instead of thinking of what the consequences might be. The popular saying “count ten before you act” says it all. The mind works better when it is silent.

While functioning within our day to day routine, silence can have many interpretations. In a relationship, it can mean subjugation, surrender, strength of compassion and tolerance or just giving up on someone who is incapable of “seeing sense”. Where justice is required to be administered, keeping silence can mean lack of courage and moral strength, even fear.

When hurt deeply, many swallow the pain silently and bottle up emotions. In anger, silence can be deafening. It is said, if you really want to kill someone, kill them with silence. Resisting baits by keeping quiet can completely confuse and shake someone who expects a reaction.

One day, during Buddha’s discourse, a man came up angrily and spat at his face. Buddha calmly wiped his face and kept talking. The man spat again. Buddha did the same thing again. On seeing that he was having no effect, the man broke down on his knees and wept. Buddha picked him up, sat him down beside him and asked him gently what the matter was. When the man asked him why he had not reacted to the repeated insults, Buddha said, “Son, if I had reacted to you, I would have been your slave. But I am the master of myself”. The man was transformed with these words from Buddha. So, silence can mean total self control. This quality of silence is therapeutic and transformational.

There are situations in which silence does need to be broken. One should not keep silent while administering justice or when praise is required to encourage someone, be it in family or workplace. When generosity is an intrinsic quality, it automatically uses silence and speech judiciously to sustain the self esteem or self confidence of another. This is an important feature of successful leadership.

Have you noticed that thinkers, writers and creative people seek solitude and often, retreat into their private space? Space has a deep connection with silence. Just as a painter paints best on an empty canvas, so also, creativity works within an empty space because the individual’s thoughts emerge while being within this intrinsic core which is a part of the all pervasive and all knowledgeable Divine energy.

In our chaotic, complicated worlds, the maintenance of silence is a difficult feat to achieve at the best of times. Ego driven reactionary attitudes to people and situations, the negative body language and emotions demonstrated by people can test our power of self control and the ability to be non reactive or retaliatory.

The awareness of the acute need to silence the mind and self control which brings silence into our lives can change our world from a discordant one into a harmonious one. Using silence indicates self mastery of a wonderful kind.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com

THE RAPE OF HUMANITY

When we were studying Political Science, the Executive, the Legislature and an independent Judiciary had well established roles as per the Constitution of India which is one of the most comprehensive and democratic of its kind. But what can even the best document do when the humans who are its custodians are gradually stripped of their personal value systems and principles?

A country is as good as its people. So, a country is all about what its people are and what the people are or become depends on the quality of people who govern the country. Discipline and setting trends is definitely the responsibility of those who govern.

Democracy stands on the pillars of responsibility and accountability. We have seen massive erosion in both over the last few years. The media is crying foul on real life rape cases happening in some states. They are heinous and unpardonable crimes tantamount to violent abuse and therefore, intolerable. The callous and casual statements from those in power positions are not only deplorable but evidence of their attitudes towards women in general.

But, is this the only rape happening in our society? Aren’t we also guilty of the most terrible mental and emotional rape? In fact, the whole humanity needs major reforms for any other reforms, whether electoral, labor or any other kind, to succeed in the wider spectrum of the word “success” which should incorporate , above all, success based on human and spiritual principles. We tend to ignore this most important foundation for all action.

It has been the degeneration of the moral fiber of the few at the top that has forced the common man to be dishonest to survive in a corrupt system. I am not condoning this for a moment, but survival issues have rendered honesty very helpless. We know that for any nation to find its place in the sun, first, the ethical and moral benchmark of each individual is imperative. Where custodians of law become perpetrators of crime, there has to be an initiation of human reforms through a strict code of discipline.

It is pathetic that people from all professions have been indicted for rape, corruption, scams, obscenity in speech and criminal activities and an obvious conclusion, therefore, is that they cannot be role models by any stretch of imagination. Of more crucial importance is the fact that indictment and reforms need to go hand in hand to create a cleaner environment for rapid development. The impression of an attractive window dressing is short lived if not backed by a credible and superior product line. Similarly, we cannot sweep these issues under an expensive carpet anymore.

I return to the subject of the mental, emotional and physical rape of the woman. So many women are still living under these conditions due to a lack of empowerment, as second and third class members and often, without being given a class even. The cases of rape that find a place in media reporting don’t even constitute the icing on the cake. There are husbands raping wives, family members molesting their own younger family members. There is a rape of the very core of each person who resorts to these inhuman crimes. Are these depraved minds or minds deprived of spirituality and distorted out of recognition? Are these people who have either not been taught to love and respect or have lost faith in the human touch, a heart connection?

Whatever the case, the bottom line is, this cannot carry on and change through reforms and stringent measures against defaulters are imperative. Every woman needs to be given back her right to be respected and cared for as much as she is expected to care for her family and colleagues at the workplace. She needs to be given her right to information, education, equality and equality of opportunity. And if this is violated, she should have an effective recourse to justice.

Surekha Kothari

www.BodyMindSoulCentre.com                                                                 

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