I have been discussing with my group about
how marriages fall apart "suddenly" after 25 years and more. And I do
believe that nothing happens suddenly. It is generally a long road fraught with
many incompatibilities and underlying stress which is not spoken about by one
or the other spouse to keep the peace in the house. One, big reason!
I think that under the obvious pattern of
bitterness and blame lies a need for understanding why the distancing happens.
We don't even know when and how it starts; with a minor argument escalating
into a minor war or small misunderstandings or a lack of friendship. Too much
tendency to control; not enough respect? Trying to change each other; each
trying to prevail over the other? Or simply not the marrying kind but forced to
marry to please parents.
I feel a little disgusted when I hear
parents telling their son to go ahead and be a man. In short, have a good time
as long as you return to your wife. I asked one such mother, “suppose the woman
you encouraged your son to philander with was YOUR daughter? The answer was so
predictable. Aha! As long as it is not your daughter; doesn’t matter that the
other girls are also someone's daughters.
I know it is an old fashioned concept in
the promiscuous society today. What I mean is, it is the moms who actually
encourage their sons into these habits many a time.
But, coming back to breaking relationships,
the now terribly obsolete theory of marriages surviving because of kids binding
their parents together is more or less nonexistent.
Such sentiments have gone, never to return.
Trying to put parents together is a counselor’s job. And going to a therapist
is a social stigma, not to be spoken about. Many times, the husband doesn't
think HE needs it. Exactly like he doesn't want to see a doctor when they only
have daughters because it is always the woman's fault that it is so yet; one
more reason for a marriage in trouble.
And many of the reasons I have mentioned
create a chain and relationships fray and fray and fray, until something just
snaps one day. We call it "sudden" but is it really so sudden?
This is exactly like saying cancer happened
overnight. No. It just showed up as a body manifestation overnight. It was
building up for years like the lava of an active volcano.
Much introspection needed. Much conscious
thought needed. Much maturity and intelligence needed.
Surekha Kothari
surekhakothari.wordpress.com
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