Relationships

There are always those who understand and those who misunderstand. Sometimes, you lose relationships because you DON’T understand.

You are in danger of losing those who are closest to you because emotions run high. AND a small episode can trigger massive hurt. 

It is really time to understand that there are bigger issues in life and keeping those small episodes burning in your mind is unhealthy for you and your damaged relationships.

The irony is that it takes years sometimes, for the emotions to wear off, leaving the mind clear and able to think clearly again and for the affection to surface once more.

It is a wise person who can recognize that extinguishing fires can restore the balance in relationships. Igniting them can destroy them.

Often, we end up supporting the wrong cause and for the wrong reasons. That is a dark corner within us that we need to address.

Surekha Kothari

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Truth and Lies

Half the time, we are not aware that we are indulging in half-truths and justifying it. The mind does not want to accept this.

Truth and lies are always cloaked in personal likes and dislikes. We are blind to lies when uttered by someone we like. And we will believe it too. But if truth comes from a person we are not fond of, we would rather believe it is a lie.

We live within our minds everyday with such complexities which are most damaging to ourselves! And yet, we continue living this way. 

A few such episodes later, we are bound to feel a sense of unease, as if something is not right. That is the inner voice trying to inspire reflection. If I don’t see what I am doing, then a repeated pattern of repeated mistakes will result in unsavory outcomes.

Has this been your truth? The half-truth or half a lie?

Surekha Kothari

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Ignorance

Have you noticed how many times we tell others not to worry and that “this too shall pass?” But the moment something irks US, we hold on and on to it till doomsday and it does NOT pass. We take it to the next life even. So intense is our ego state.

But the day wisdom dawns will come the realization that the “I” is enslaving you with spinning your story to coerce you into playing victim. Which is completely myopic.

Actually, nothing is permanent in this world and everything keeps changing in form. That is the natural flow as everything passes. It does!

So why do we want to swim upstream? In ignorance and Just to satisfy the “I” which has no substance when we realize everything is connected to one another. We just never rise above all the drama to learn more meaningful aspects of who we really are and how misled a life we are leading.

Surekha Kothari

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Moment of Light

Have you thought about what you can do for yourself? Taking help from professionals is one thing but learning what you are doing against your natural flow is another.

It is an absolute illusion that we are in control of our lives. Life is a river-like flow. Trying to control its flow is trying to do the impossible. This tendency comes from fear, from the idea of separation because our ego does not feel the connectivity in the universe. The concept of “unity in diversity” is a very deep concept which we apply superficially.

When the heart is open and love flows, it blends in with the natural flow of life. That’s how it should be.

Wherever there is the energy of separation, there will be hurt and pain. LET IT GO. And fill the space with love and compassion. See how your life can change when you do this.

In relationships, when there is love, we smile at the quirks of one another instead of judging their actions. Love makes you the bigger person but often, you don’t want to be the bigger person. Letting go does not come easy but once it does, let me know what it does for you.

I have experienced that moment of light a few times.

Surekha Kothari

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Spiritual Learning

When you help anyone in need, do it without expecting a return, and even less, wishing you had not helped at all.

Our spiritual learning is based on how connected everything is. And at such times, when you wish you had not helped, understand that God has been kind to you and given you the blessing of helping someone in dire need, where survival was the issue. It COULD have been you, but instead, the power to HELP was given to you. A karmic blessing. 

Helping someone in need is greatly rewarded by the universe. Though we may not have faith in this, when you give with a pure heart, you get in abundance.

But we don’t believe it! We need reciprocity in everything. And we are ignorant about the fact that rewards come from a higher place, not necessarily from the one we helped, if only we can have faith in the process of life.

Surekha Kothari

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Self-Oriented

Ever since digi yatra started functioning, airport authorities at the Chennai gates block you and try to tell you how to operate it.

Funny! Because if I have downloaded it, I have also learnt to use it, right? AND, some of us HAVE travelled enough to be used to it.

If i was that person, I would wait to be asked to help. Instead of assuming that digi yatra is a mere fad and that most people are ignorant.

In fact, travel is not that easy anymore and many passengers tend to be unaware still. In many ways.

I only wish they were more aware that they are tearing down the ears of those sitting next to them, with their cell phones blaring songs and dialogues loudly and ABSOLUTELY NO AWARENESS here. Or, talking loudly to their families, a dialogue no one really wants to be a part of.

Cell phone addiction? Or sheer loneliness due to deprivation of that human touch we took for granted? That voice which is now converted to messages.

Is the average Indian today becoming more inconsiderate, more self-oriented and louder than before? Even a normal conversation sounds like a fight!

Maybe, the deeper psychology is that we shout because no one listens to anyone.

But let me tell you, raising your voice is no reason you will be listened to. In fact, people may even walk away.

So, find yourself. Listen to yourself. Look at yourself. Analyze yourself. Love yourself.

And Know that you are your best friend. You will always listen compassionately to yourself. So, be calm. Be peaceful. For, in this condition, you will get your answers whispered from within.

No need to shout. If you do, your voice will only echo back to you.

Surekha Kothari

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Self-Image

Everyone has a self-image. And no one likes to be marginalized. And it is also not a positive act. It is tantamount to marginalizing yourself. For, we are all mirrors of each other. That shows that you have been marginalizing an aspect of yourself.

These are wonderful triggers for you to assess yourself. This is the method to understand yourself. And why you mete out negativity to others. It is already prevalent in you and spills out on another. It is as simple as that, really.

So, no blame. No rancor. We correct ourselves as we go along. And when we illuminate those marginalized sides of ourselves, miraculously, we lose the tendency, the desire to marginalize others. And relationships improve by leaps and bounds. 

A win outcome possible with just a little self-assessment and correction.

Surekha Kothari

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Spiritual Ignorance

Life is a flow, they say. You just need to find new pathways around obstacles, they say. Lot if “gyan”. So much wisdom!

And yet, do we really know the right way to find the right path, the path of least resistance and most benefits?

I ask this at a spiritual level, keeping your moral standards and principles high.

There is the catch. Our inner world is in a turmoil. The pushes and pulls of life create a new “us” based on our reactions verses our responses. The flow eludes us.

That one emotion called fear dominates. Fear of losing our ego, our place in the world in family, in community, at the work place. Everywhere. That’s where we exhibit total ignorance. Our spiritual ignorance.

Every day, there are fountains of knowledge available to us but you can only drink the water if there is a desire to quench the thirst for knowledge. Otherwise, we just may walk past. And very often, we do.

It is a steep climb and many have returned from exhaustion. But the few who persisted, gained their freedom.

Surekha Kothari

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Truth and Honesty

Team work implies that you have to carry people you are connected to, along with you. Not by controlling them but as willing to be connected.

But today, some obvious ways of subtle controls exist, like heaping obligations, financial help, meeting people’s needs with a motive and then making them a part of your grand plan.

“Willing” partnerships promise gain. Until sometimes, they are broken.

The same applies in relationships.

Freedom, real freedom, is possible only if we live on our own terms with the courage to uphold truth and honesty. Because these are soul requirements. This will connect you to yourself first. And those who respect you for who you are will connect with you.

We forget that we are only temporary in this world.

Surekha Kothari

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The THREE C’S

Think about this. The THREE C’S.

Caring

Compassion

Communication

Caring, because the intrinsic quality in humans is love. Caring is an offshoot of love.

Compassion, because we are all connected to each other. And understanding each other’s’ stories and journeys makes us human.

Communication, because it is the best tool to salvage relationships. And to repair / build bridges.

Whenever we have been resentful, conflicting and withdrawn, have we felt good? Negativity never feels good. It is not our intrinsic nature. 

But, just as clouds camouflage the sky, negativity clouds the clean space within us. It is merely temporarily superimposed, waiting to be cleared by human effort. And we owe ourselves a happy life. The problem is, we don’t let go. We give ourselves more importance than we should. In the whole of Creation, we are less than a minuscule dot. And changing continuously.

Why are we trying to capture the flow of life and reverse it? It can only give grief!

Surekha Kothari

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Joy of Living

Sometimes, we feel a sense of foreboding, as if something untoward is going to happen. And it does.

How?

A few people definitely have that sense of foretelling. But with the majority, it is fear. And overthinking and over imagining the worst.

The fact is, our persistent thoughts laced with fear can manifest, bringing our fears into reality.

Meditation done regularly, gradually brings the mind into a state of thoughtlessness so much so that every passing thought becomes benign instead of laced with damaging emotions.

You start observing your thoughts and are able to let go of the undesirable ones. Next, they stop bothering you and the more the mind is cleared, the less you think the undesirable ones. Happily, you keep letting them go.

Imagine the volume of clean space your mind develops for the beautiful thoughts to enter, stay and create the joy of living!

Surekha Kothari

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Recognition

There is no point in wasting your energy trying to explain yourself to people who live in their own cocoon world, also unable to see the flicker of light in someone.

You know, they only echo the darkness because it is their own darkness coming to light.

We all have the light within us as we are all spiritual beings. But no memory or recognition of this!

So, we continue to struggle with feelings, emotions, ego and running headlong into walls, bleeding and crying that someone else hurt us.

Can we perhaps take a call on this?

Surekha Kothari

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Personal Growth

Have you noticed that when thoughts crowd your mind, they take away your peace?  Most of your thoughts are meaningless.

Either you are thinking of your past or planning for the future. And in the bargain, you are losing the only moment available to you: the PRESENT moment.

THIS moment, which is all we have, you can CHOOSE to be peaceful. THIS moment, you can become a different person. You can let go of all the useless thoughts that deter your personal growth.

But the mind keeps pushing you into dealing with those thoughts and misleads you into believing that you MUST act upon them.

Most of us give in to this. Then obviously, thoughts from the past come colored with past reactions. And thoughts of the future come laced with doubt and fear of plans being successful. This way, tension and stress become a part of you.

The more constructive way is to live in the present moment which is the seed of our life, a gift which we don’t know how to use. We can choose to be content each minute. We can make each present moment meditative. We can let go of everything external which is not good for our journey. And we can choose to love instead of hate and fear.

It works like magic.

Surekha Kothari

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Past Grievance

It is hard when you do things for a return. Because however well intentioned, the outcome is NOT in our hands.

I have seen that a clean heart and a pure intention does find a response from the universe though. Not necessarily from the person who we directed the action to.

There is a huge reason here. There is also a karmic issue and need for resolution here. If both are healed from the past, the outcome will be positive. But if one has cleared the heart and one is holding on to past grievances, the outcome may not be a desirable one. And we don’t decide that.

So, your expectations don’t decide the nature of the outcome. But the good and pure intentioned heart WILL get a reward from the universe. In other ways.

This is why it is said, do a good deed and leave it to the universe.

This is not merely a theory but a time tested truth. An experience that words may fall short in describing.

Surekha Kothari

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Cosmetic World

Those parents who try to shield information of the dark side of life from their children, maybe doing a great disservice to them.

We do not live in a cosmetic world. To teach children to be positive is great but the lesson actually is to be positive in negative situations and while dealing with negative people.

Most of us change according to how we are treated. Not wise. Why do we change our core attitudes if we value them? How does it matter if others behave in different ways?

We don’t have to become a yoyo, oscillating from one extreme to another. Reacting to every situation, trying to be who we are not.

Balance is in the middle, the Centre. If we are centred, we are ok. It is a good reminder day to day. There are always cases where we do lose our Centre and so, must keep this in mind.

Surekha Kothari

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Unconditional Love

Most people do not understand unconditional love! People who are actually capable of this stand isolated.

Such people generally give naturally. They are not people pleasers. Neither are they expecting applause for what they do. It is their intrinsic nature.

But this breed is rare. And THAT is the issue. People are so lacking in trust and so full of the ego insecurities, they tend to shun even the genuine ones around them.

But the genuineness of truth of people who CAN love without expectations has to go through fire or just wait for this truth to reveal itself.

And no, such people are not even looking for certificates. And yes, they have to guard against manipulation. Today, the more you give , the more is demanded of you . And you become emotionally depleted if you don’t protect yourself.

The irony is, we would rather shower love on a pet dog than on each other. Though dogs are very loveable, and give you the very unconditional love that you don’t accept from a human being.

Strange, isn’t it?

Surekha Kothari

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Untraveled Path

Building awareness is painful. It awakens you from a deep slumber you have been indulging in triggered by early conditioning. It starts at home when the belief systems of elders is superimposed on your innocent childlike minds. And you take them as the gospel truth. The “respect worthy “elders mould you, give you their identity, expect you to fulfil their unfulfilled desires and expect you to keep up their image in society. Whatever it takes away from you it does not matter.

Later, with awareness building in you, you now notice that you have to unlearn so many things you never doubted before.

That new awareness will change you and change the environment around you too. You will have to step out of your comfort zone and face new challenges, connect with people who are like you are now, leave many past memories and people who don’t work in your life anymore, to move onto new pastures.

You know now why repeated patterns appear! When you are not ready to face the pain of that new awareness. When you are unable to have the courage. When the “known “engulfs you because the untraveled path brings fear of the unknown. So, you do the comfortable things and get the same results. Nothing new / inspiring/ challenging appears in life till the end. Something to think about.

Surekha Kothari

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Precious Time

When you have been deprived of loving relationships yourself, it is truly agonizing to see people who have them but who destroy them.

You will find several people in this world who will be around you for different reasons. Some valid.  Some not so valid.

But those who have been in your life forever and with whom you have had happy memories are already strong in love for you. Childhood bonds persist. I have also seen close people having misunderstandings and going away from each other, only to return even years later. And i think, “what a waste of precious time”.

The fact is, the close ones have the power to hurt your maximum. Due the very love you hold in your heart.

The amount we live in fear can be totally reduced if we love and support each other during our lives. Bonds built in childhood are strong. Ask someone who never had them! How difficult life can be!

 I look around and find so many egos consuming people, that they have lost the art of loving, giving love precedence over small issues magnified to a point of no return.

And I think, “what a waste of precious time!”

Surekha Kothari

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Knowledge

It would be surprising if anyone did not change with time and experiences. However, there are exceptions to every rule.

To my mind, those who don’t change are holding on to the past, consumed by their ego and do not learn the lessons that come to them on a daily basis.

It is easy to advise others but very difficult to ACT on your own advice.

Observing yourself will make you smile often at yourself and your actions, knowing that they were quite meaningless. And we indulged in them nevertheless. When we target others, we also become victims to our own misdeeds. And this knowledge can cure us forever and keep us from any kind of conflict.

I certainly would not want my anger to corrode into ME when I am venting. But it does come back to me. AND harms me. Likewise, why would I project ANY negative emotion if I knew that the outcome would be damaging for me?

It just doesn’t seem to make sense.  We do have to make our mistakes to learn the lessons. But after that, it would be foolish if we think we have a choice and so, need not learn the lessons.

Surekha Kothari

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Exhaustion

There is a consistent pattern of intolerance in families that seems to be so inconsistent with the theory that love develops when you spend your young life together. You share, you care, you fight and make up easily, have elders watching you and looking out for you until we learn to look out for each other. How can we cut such cords of relationships that were no fluke? They were pre-ordained for a reason.

One of the worst emotions we end up harboring is resentment. This is a very debilitating emotion which speaks of hurts becoming wounds over an escalation of small issues becoming large over time.

It is like carrying home the image of the villain from a movie you have seen and not recognizing that it was just a character played for a while. In real life also, this is true. We act out of reaction, impulse, complexes but continue to judge such episodes of interaction when the very same people are so much more than their superficial action. AND they change according to their learning.

I cannot repeat enough times that our exhaustion does not come from gym too hard. It comes from the excess baggage of our emotions, of messed up relationships that we carry on our back which we refuse to let go. We trap our own energy and complain of exhaustion! When we ourselves are responsible.

Many people argue that they are fine, in fact, relieved that connections have been severed. Remember They are not healed though. And unhealed versions of humans walking this earth are unhappy people. We must unlearn resentment, relearn how to love again if we want healing.

Surekha Kothari

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Gratitude

We use the word “healing” all the time. But heal what exactly? Delving deeper into our unhealed areas is not easy. Sometimes, quite scary even. The mind has ways of camouflaging what can turn out to be very painful realizations about oneself.

But having said that, do we have a choice? Catharsis is the most effective recipe for happiness. Like we clean our homes to feel good, so, is it so difficult to see unclean parts of our inner world? 

How else will we heal?

And who CAN heal us but ourselves? A doctor can only advise, but the work has to be done by us.

And healing oneself is not really difficult if we can list out what needs to heal. And why. Generally, what works brilliantly well is gratitude, forgiveness and letting go of every yesterday on a daily basis. Wake up to a new day as if it were your first day and work through the day as if it were your last. It will be a paradise gained!

Surekha Kothari

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Instability

Isn’t it strange that we ourselves spoil relationships based on our temporary instability on account of our egos? And when time lapses and sense dawns, we begin to understand our own mistakes and wish things could have been different. By that time, often, distances have crept in and people have moved on, keeping the memories and hurts intact.

Who did it help ultimately?

A stitch in time saves nine. Perhaps, we left this wisdom back in school. Surekha Kothari

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Profound Experience

 Sometimes I think we are very limited. Imagine! If Krishna came to you in disguise, would you recognize him? But you know what? Your soul which IS Krishna HAS come to you as you and you don’t recognize him in you.

This is the biggest tragedy of a human being. My guru said to me once, look at every being with the same respect that you have for me. Which means recognize ME in everyone.

But is it that simple. We live within so many likes and dislikes, blame, without realizing that this is not what we should be doing at all. 

We have muted the Krishna within us. When he shines within us, we integrate with all creation. We feel that we are whole, like him.

However, this is to be experienced. And the path to such a profound experience is through much turmoil, loneliness and ultimate surrender.

Surekha Kothari

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Path of Non-Resistance

Whatever you resist becomes stronger. Letting it happen, accepting it, looking at it like a specimen in a laboratory and letting it go. This is the path of non-resistance. 

For example, your thoughts. They come in thousands and oppress you. Why? Because you don’t WANT them. You fight them, avoid them. In doing this, you are giving them more energy with that extra attention.

What does meditation teach us? To watch the thoughts come and go. To let go of them without internalizing them. Soon, they will reduce and keep reducing with regular practice.

Eventually, such a mind is clear and devoid of distractions. This is also called going with the flow without disturbing it. Some rich dividends accrue with such an attitude to life.

Surekha Kothari

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Spiritual Growth

 If you can separate the ego from the self, your spiritual growth is ensured.

Any hurt, any wound, any anger issues can be attributed to the ego, the “ahankara” within. The self remains untarnished. It is the observer, the non-involved party.

Of course, this is not at all easy, like eating a piece of chocolate. It is nothing less than a complete melt down of all belief systems and all illusions built by the ego. It may feel almost like a rebirth and becoming a new person.

I always point out to myself, that when people use their hearts instead of the ego, the outcome is rich and rewarding to the person who uses love. Love finds a happy niche within us even if it is not reciprocated because the heart is the path to the divine energy.

Look around the world today and see fear ruling everywhere. Not love. The ego can only generate more fear. And where there is the rule of fear, love finds it difficult to step in.

This is for each of us to reflect on. Surely, we don’t want fear in our lives. Then, why have we learnt to live with this mind of compromise?

Surekha Kothari

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RISE in love

Most of us are in love with the idea of love. I have a terrific blind spot when the phrase “falling in love” is voiced.

We need to “RISE in love”.

Love is a commitment to YOURSELF. It is not an emotion that is given away easily and withdrawn as easily. 

Our knowledge of anyone is initially at best, superficial. Maybe, better in the years to come. But yet, never complete because everyone changes and keeps changing, including us. The same person you knew and developed feelings for is not that person today and will not be tomorrow. And this applies to you and all of us as well.

Then how does a relationship survive? On this very understanding. On acceptance of that change. On loving the actual person WITH this constant change.

We must understand that each one of us has different reactions to the same episode. And our psyche keeps changing differently.

Depth comes into a relationship only in time and with indulging the idiosyncrasies of each other and smiling at them. Becoming each other’s best friends.

Provided we give it enough time for a real friendship to develop.

Surekha Kothari

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Circumstances

 I can shout from the rooftop for the external world, that I am right. But suppose you look within yourself and realize that you were wrong?

What would you do?

Camouflage the truth and shout louder?

Admit to yourself and still be in silent denial

Or

Have the courage to admit AND acknowledge AND rectify.

This catharsis is a huge part of my workshops and talks. We don’t point a finger at ourselves. It is easier to blame the other person or circumstances.

It is like blaming the river, the oars when your boat capsizes because you did not know how and where to steer it.

Every day, we face situations and challenges and we constantly point outwards. Our coping mechanism is damaged because examination of anything starts from within.

Does our conscience speak to us? Or have we stopped listening?

Surekha Kothari

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